Treasure !! by Charlie Wood

Ye olde pirate booty, from the land,

Where the land be not the land, but the sea,

And that there sea be frozen, ahargh!

We was amongst they rocks with bo'sun Ben, just

A lookin' for smuggler's cove - when pirate

Desp'rate Duncan called "AHOY ! treasure 15 points to larboard,

The good cap'n Barbossa steere'd 'er in - through ice and beast

And now the treasure belongs to...... 'AUSTRALIS'.

 

Pirate Poetry by Charlie Wood

There was a good pirate called Jake,

Who sailed a passage called Drake,

He said " Point ' er higher "

And " get me to Ushuaia "

" Where a lady's gonna tickle me' sake"

 

Ye ode to ye avald 'Australis'. by Charlie Wood

The time has now come to tell a tale so true,

About a voyage down south where the ice has turned blue,

 

Of pirates there's many& their number is twelve,

Into their lockers this poor story will delve,

 

First up is Sandy, of the hills he's a gent,

Making bread & climbing mountains like a pirate hell bent,

 

Darryl's a legend - he's skid far and wide,

But at night from his snoring you surely must hide,

 

Alistair's a hippy who knows how to climb,

A scholar of knowledge, pisco sour and fine wine,

 

Next we have Aaron who'd never seen snow,

Now with knowledge and gusto the Himalayas must he go,

 

In Peter there's a man readin' books all at rest,

But don't wake him too early or he'll show you his vest,

 

A sailor, a pilot, he speaks fluent morse,

Shipman Simester by oath he's a bloody dark horse.

 

Pirate Karam's experienced he's been here before,

A passport to stamp hell knock at yer door,

 

And then there'll be me and my story's been told,

I don't eat bloody cheese and especially with mould,

 

Now we have Jo - our "womanly" crew,

A toast to galley master and fer cleanin' the Loo !!

 

To Duncan the catalyst who pulled it together,

Good luck on Mt Everest and all the best weather,

 

Now onto bosun his name be Ben,

A zodiac to larboard - the very best of good men,

 

Roger the captain with confidence true,

The fella needs a hair cut who's gonna tell him ? Will it be you ?

 

So now you'll be wonderin' why this story's not through,

The 13th pirate introduce with out much ado,

 

'Australis' ye ship she sailed from this coast,

Now it's to her and her crew we all raise a toast,

So please raise your glass to our nautical friend,

May her good luck and good fortune never never come to an end.

TO AUSTRALIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Avast, ahaghrrrrrrrrrrr

 

 

An adventure to the Antarctic on the Star ship "Australis"

by Les "Geezer" Dance Antarctica 2006

Note the author takes no liability for the following script as it is total fabrication and he is totally barking himself.
Any claims made will only be paid in chocolate and whipped cream.
Resourced from the yachts victuals.

The six adventurers Suzi, Martin, KiKi, Robin, Chrissie and Old Faithful Geezer arrive at Ushuaia Port to meet the Yacht Australis, the crew and expedition leaders.
After being introduced to the lovely Connie and Sky they are despatched ashore quickly. Obviously the Australian crew have heard word of English male testosterone levels running high ever since the Great Jonny Wilkinson slipped the oval ball between the posts for the epic World Cup Rugby win. Also the thrashing that Freddie Flintoff and the lads gave the Australians in the cricket test for the Ashes. That will teach Shane Warne a lesson for fornicating with all our lovely English Roses.
A tour of the wonderful Australis only raised one concern not of the yacht but what if any of the ten of us on board was struck down with tenesmus the rest of us would have to micturate over the side.
We meet the skipper Jolly Roger who is not actually a pirate flag and skippers mate his son Big Ben who has nothing to do with horology or caesium clocks but knows his longitude.
I am now thinking how a Jolly Roger that can not be raised and a Big Ben that is not a time piece be useful when we are plundering Russian tourist ships.

In steps Kieran “Tigger” Lawton and Robb “Bahgeera” Clifton they have ropes, harnesses, crampons, karabiners, stitch plates etc ideal for a boarding party. Not sure about wearing the crampons in the zodiacs though might upset Jolly Roger if we puncture his craft.
If we choose a dreake day when the brume is low we could easily board tourist ships after tying the zodiacs up to killicks.
Chrissie points out to Old Faithful Geezer that he is actually on holiday and not a pirate in Portsmouth at the moment. No plundering of tourist ships then eh Chrissie.

Further investigation of the Australis yacht and I actually find out it is a Star ship. Roger and Ben have this unusual place called “The Bridge” it goes from one side of the yacht to the other but no where does it cross water weird.
Anyway the Bridge is full of gadgets and has a lovely binnacle with two magnetic correcting knobs. It has a big wheel for steering so they tell me but I have other ideas about the nerve centre of this craft.
In a secret compartment is a Gardner working very hard to provide us with some warp factor power.
What they call the back (stern) is really the front. The massive steering wheel which Chewbacker obviously took a bite out of in a previous episode is where it all happens. The four slopping navigation ports give an all round view of where you are coming from. No point in going some where if you do not know where you have come from.
Unusually the cabin between ours and the toilet has turned into a cottage. I hope it is like one of those nice West Country cottages where the ladies make cheese and cream, but I suspect something more sinister due to the amount of eructation emanating from the cottage.
Onwards on our journey to the most southerly part of Gondwana.
Per chance we come across three hump back whales having an afternoon siesta. Probably had too much sangria with there krill.
So just to endorse the fact that you should never trust your banker doctor or dentist Martin, Suzi and Chrissie decide to go and awaken the 30 tonne sleepers in their snorkelling gear.
YES barking mad.
The next act of madness was to go swimming with the icebergs.
A normal thing for mad dogs and English men and Tiggers
A very fine achievement for us Brits to claim the lass from Hull KiKi in her bikini was amongst the bathers.
Kieran and Robb take us peak bagging this part of the adventure will
be documented in graphic detail in a separate issue of the Barking Times.

This not being enough for Robin and his trusty digital camera he wants to be lowered into a crevasse to get a closer look at the frozen water.
Whilst partaking in all these activities Kieran and Robb impress us with their knowledge of phenology and avifauna.
This is my favourite “Hut Bagging” we get to stay in our very own tabernacle for the night and the possibility of squatters rights if we cough up a Queens pound to the man at Port Lockroy.
Robb is in charge of the victual side of logistics no muktuk for me I am sure it gives me lassitude.
Many other epic events have occurred on this adventure, but to tell all at once would be a crime. Talking of that lets plunder a few tourist ships.

Kieran “Tigger” Lawton and Robb “Bahgeera” Clifton
Your sedulous and enthusiastic approach to adventure and life is inspirational.

Jolly Roger and Big Ben
You are the thaumaturges of you world of sea sail and adventure.

My or I should say our effusiveness to you all is unbounded for an adventure full of serendipitous events.

 

 

"The More" of Adventure and Knowledge

by Les "Geezer" Dance Antarctica 2006

The spirit of adventure
And the spirit of knowledge
Traverse life hand in hand
The More adventures you have
The More you learn
The More you learn The More
Adventures you want to have
The More diverse the place you adventure
The More diverse your learning and knowledge becomes

Dedicated to Jolly Roger Wallis and Big Ben Wallis

 

Tiggers are funny animals

by Les "Geezer" Dance Antarctica 2006

Question from Chrissie on the Drake Passage outbound
“How does Kieran cope without eating for three days”.

Tiggers are funny animals
When unwell they hibernate
Crawling in their dens
With faces turning a greenish blend
Sightings do occur
But are extremely rare
An ablution trip
Or scroggen pick
Then the crises abates
Tigger rounds up all his mates
Peak baggers, hut baggers, crevasse baggers
He plans and schemes
To fulfil their dreams
The wonderful thing about Tiggers
They are scarce and rare
And must be treasured

Dedicated to Kieran “Tigger” Lawton.